It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
Many times in life, you change little by little and are hardly aware of the process. One day you look back and realize what growth you have made, or how you have changed. I am changing. I feel it. I see it. I am aware.
Almost immediately upon graduation, I felt this incredible relief wash over me. School is over. All the stress and frustration, all the continuous work, is over. I felt the tension leaving my body. I could breathe. I could smile.
I look back on the last few months of school and I hardly recognize myself. I realize how close I was to not making it mentally. I was stretched too thin for too long. Marc was stretched too thin for too long. We were in survival mode.
I remember the exact moment that I decided I wanted to give one of my children the name Harmony. I was riding the school bus home one day in high school. I remember the exact curve in the road that it came to me. I don't know why it came into my head, but the moment it did, I knew. Harmony. It embodied everything I wanted. From my teen years on, I feel I have been yearning for harmony in my heart, my mind, my soul, my life.
I was raised in a very strict Baptist home. At 17, I began questioning all the things that were imprinted upon me since birth. I began to realize that my parents truth was not my own truth. This caused great upheaval in not only my relationship with them, but also in my own internal self. The person I had been groomed to be, was not who I was. I struggled with this. I struggled to define myself. I felt I needed to label exactly what and who I was, I needed the words to specifically denote each part of me. I needed to put myself in a box of some sort with neat compartments so I could see what I was made of right there in front of me.
I came upon a card one day in a little gift shop. I bought it and hung it on my fridge where it stayed for years and years. Every time I would move, it would move with me. It was a source of comfort in those panicked moments where I felt like I had no meaning, no direction, no clarity to myself.
They say, 'Be Yourself,' like you know exactly what that is...like you're a toaster or something...like there's only that one way to pop out you. Well maybe being me isn't just one thing. Maybe just searching for me is being me and not being them- being themselves...being toasters. Maybe being me is more like a breakfast cereal variety pack. Maybe that's what I'll be...today. But tomorrow, who knows?...maybe the blue plate special.
For years I struggled. I was so unhappy. I attended church. I stopped attending church. I attended therapy. I stopped attending therapy. I got married. I had babies. I ached inside. I was insecure. I was scared. I cried. I began attending therapy again. I began to make some improvements. I started school. I felt a small flicker of hope. I began to believe in myself just a little. I was becoming. I started working. I questioned my decision to go into this field. I cried more. I pushed through. I graduated. I found my Ohana. My family. I found peace. I found happiness. I found myself.
Since beginning work at Roy's, I have fully embraced the Hawaiian mentality. Many of the people there greet one another with "Aloha." At first, I would still just say, "Hello" and then correct myself when they greeted me back with the Hawaiian word. Adam said not to force it and it would come naturally. It has. I have done some research on Hawaii and came upon the Hawaiian Philosophy of Life. There are seven principles, and each one touched my inner self. I have found my truth.
In short, this philosophy says that (1)we create our own reality, (2)we are only limited by ourselves, our ideas, and our fears, (3)whatever you CHOOSE to focus your attention on will be where results are seen, (4)focus on the NOW, (5)care for others as much as yourself unselfishly, (6)there is a universal life energy that flows through all things and connects us all if we choose to acknowledge it, and (7)there is a plethora of ways to be happy or to reach a goal, and to be open to this idea and accept that your truth or happiness is not necessarily the same as the next persons' and neither are wrong.
With this truth has come a great deal of acceptance. Acceptance of myself and my stand on things. I harbor much less bitterness, and am much more at peace. This is not a religion. This is a way of life. I have accepted myself for who I am. I have begun to actually like myself. I don't need labels. I am a unique compilation of many things.
As a graduation present, I was able to get a tattoo that I have been wanting for a long time. It, like me, is a unique compilation of many things. This is not my first tattoo, but it IS the first LARGE tattoo and it is also the first that is in such a visible spot. All my other tattoos are easily covered. This one is not as much, and this again is a tribute to my becoming. My acceptance of me.
YES!!!! I love you, am so proud of you, and so happy for you. Not for ALL of your accomplishments, but for finding your NOW!!!!!! the most important time of your life.
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