I ain't as good as I'm gonna get but I'm better than I used to be

"I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I'm cleanin up my act, little by little
I'm getting there
I can finally stand the (wo)man in the mirror I see
I ain't as good as I'm gonna get
But I'm better than I used to be"



I know I've been strangely silent recently. I've been doing alot of reflecting and working and growing, sliding, pushing...alot of movement in my head and heart. I have a laundry list of things I want/need to change and plenty of frustration that I continually defeat myself when it comes to actually doing it. It's therapeutic for me to write about things. It helps me process them. It is also a little scary to put them out there for everyone to see, though. As much as I would like to say I've been writing but not posting, that is not the case. I would like to work on that.

I would like to say this, though. My life right now is pretty much split in three time frames- work, kids, Marc. I have three nights off a week. Tuesdays I work in the morning cleaning the station and prepping for my days off. By the time I get home Tuesday night, I am exhausted and usually fall into bed the moment the kids do. Marc works, so it is my one opportunity to sleep and not feel like I'm missing out on anything. I enjoy my extra sleep that night. Wednesday nights are my nights "alone" when Marc works and the kids go to bed. I relax and catch up on shows and just...spend time by myself. I am a person who needs that. I need time with myself to just BE. Thursday nights are Family Fun Night and then Marc and I have the evening together.

I'm saying this because I don't spend time with friends much. Please don't be offended if I don't call or text or go out with you on girls night. I just don't have enough "spoons", as it were. I still care. I just need to have my nights off free to...recover and recharge. Even though I am out of school, I am just as busy as ever, picking up things like helping at Harmony's school, taking Layla to ballet, and having time with Layla on Fridays. Please don't feel I am ignoring you. I just need some more time with my family and myself. Thank you for understanding.

Love,
Me