Motherhood

Motherhood can be tricky. There is such a fine line that will be walked for eternity that is the balance between taking care of your children, and making sure that your own needs are met so you can continue taking care of your children. I know that personally, I have always had an issue carving out time for myself. I hate asking for that time. It makes me feel selfish. It makes me feel like a bad parent to need a break. I feel like I should WANT to be with the kids all the time...especially since I am working and spending less time with them. I feel guilty. I always hear, "You have to take care of yourself before you can truly take care of others." My head comprehends this, but there is a difference between comprehending something and accepting the truth of it. I think mothers have a harder time taking the time for themselves, too, simply because we are wired differently than men. Marc, and many other fathers I know of, put in extremely long hours at work, seeing the kids for minimal quantities of time for long stretches in our lives. I am so grateful that I am married to a man who is willing to do this to make sure we are all provided for. I don't have that mental capability. When I don't see the kids, I begin to fall apart at the seams. I have an intrinsic NEED- not a want, a NEED- to connect with them daily, to check in and make sure they are emotionally ok, that school is going well and they aren't having problems with friends or teachers, to know what they are worried or joyful about that day. Marc just got a new schedule at work that requires him to be at work at 2PM three days a week. Our days off are now the same, so we have a "weekend" together...it's just during the middle of the week. This is going to be amazing, especially once summer comes and Harmony is off school. We can do things together as a complete family during the day, not just squeezed into a family night after swimming on Thursdays. The one thing that bothers me, though, is that until school is out, Harmony will not see Marc or I except for briefly in the morning, three days each week. This hurts my mommy heart. I have been leaving her little notes this week just so she is reassured I love her. I know she knows. I still just want to make sure our connection stays strong. With this change, I feel even more guilty taking any time for myself. Couple that with Marc working at sharing Visalus, and I feel guilty for asking him to take time away from that so I can have time alone. I need that though. I wouldn't call myself a hermit or anything like that, but I need time to recenter and reconnect with MYSELF, too. I have just always needed/enjoyed time by myself. I don't mind being alone. Sometimes after a busy, noisy day, I enjoy turning down the lights and just sitting in silence and semidarkness and breathing. I need that peace. I am so thankful to be at a place where Ohana, family, is important. I'm surrounded by those with families, and who understand that sometimes parenthood is messy. I'm thankful that Adam understands the difference in men and women and their built in need to take care of their children themselves. I don't want to spend minimal amounts of quality time with my kids...I want to RAISE THEM. I want to parent them. I want to shape them into responsible human beings who will contribute to our society. This requires hands on parenting, not shipping them off to sitters all the time. But there has to be a balance. I struggle so hard to find that balance. The balance where the kids have enough of my time to be correctly loved and parented, where my marriage has the time and effort devoted to it so it thrives and flourishes, where the house is taken care of, where I spend time exercising and maintaining my health, and where I can spend enough time researching and learning that my work life continues to grow and excel. Where does personal time fit into all that? I know that I am not the only mother that feels this way, so as Mother's Day approaches...take some time for yourself! :)