Changes

It's been awhile since I posted last. There have been a few times that I have started writing posts in my head, but have failed to make it to the computer while inspired to actually type them. I, like many people, have always had a really hard time with changes. This complicates life because, as we all know, changes are inevitable, unpredictable, and frequent. Many times they come unbidden, and this lack of control scares the hell out of me. Again, as many people do, I tend to resist these changes with my whole being. If I pretend they aren't happening, or aren't soon going to happen, or if I refuse to change WITH them, it won't affect me! Right?! Well of course that's not right. Changes happen whether we want to accept them or not, whether we acknowledge it happening or not, and whether or not we change ourselves, as well. Recently, Marc and I were able to go to Orlando for a weekend without the children. This type of weekend getaway has not happened since before Harmony was born. It was long overdue, and very much needed. We had a fun afternoon together at Islands of Adventure riding roller coasters and thrill rides. We were just together doing something fun. We purposely left all things stressful behind and made our best effort to have some time experiencing something new and fun. I moved here from Ohio and we immediately were living together, got married a month later, and had Harmony a year later. We never really had much time to "date" and make those kinds of memories together. We have been through our share of extremely difficult and challenging things which has made us a stronger couple, but we need to even out the balance of fun things experienced together, too. We finally have a much broader support group in place here filled with people we trust to take care of our children, so this is becoming more possible. The next day, Marc had a conference to go to and Jenn, Marc's cousin that we stayed with, had to work. I had a rare day completely to myself. Since I was at someone else's home, I didn't feel the need to clean or be productive. I laid in the sun and read books, worked out, then went to the little "downtown" area in the development Jenn lives in. I parked and walked around, going into little shops that caught my eye. One of these was a little coffee shop filled with leather armchairs and a wall filled with books to browse.

I ordered a coffee and plopped myself into an armchair in front of the wall of books. I began to scan the shelves. I had plenty of time, and reading is one of those things that I have always enjoyed to the fullest since I was five years old. I collected a short stack of books to choose between. One of these books was "Who Moved My Cheese?" A former employer had given this book to a coworker at one point in time, which made me a little hesitant to dive in, but it was short and looked like an easy read. The cover spoke to me, as well, as it said that it was an "A-mazing way to deal with change". Well, hell. I definitely was having trouble with THAT. I figured I may as well give it a shot. I quickly made my way through the book, snapping pictures of certain passages that were speaking to me. One of the biggest themes that jumped out at me from the book was, "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" Anxiety is one of my biggest stumbling blocks. I continuously assume the worst will happen, or think what the worst could be. What would I do if I weren't afraid? The list began to form in my head. The biggest, perhaps obviously, would be opening my own bakery. What is stopping me? Fear. As I reviewed the notes I had snapped on my phone, I started to get excited. I've just been floating through my life lately. Day in, day out, going through the motions, not expecting things to get better, and hoping they wouldn't get worse, but not taking any action to change things. Change is scary. But, "Whenever he started to get discouraged he reminded himself that what he was doing, as uncomfortable as it was at the moment, was in reality much better than staying in the Cheeseless situation. HE WAS TAKING CONTROL, RATHER THAN SIMPLY LETTING THINGS HAPPEN TO HIM." "When you move beyond your fear, you feel free." "Haw kept thinking about what he could gain instead of what he was losing. He wondered why he had always thought that a change would lead to something worse. Now he realized that change could lead to something better." I started to formulate a list of things I can do, RIGHT NOW, to begin moving in the direction of opening my bakery. I don't have a specific timeline, but I have an order of things to do to MAKE THAT HAPPEN for myself eventually. I can't just stand still anymore. If I want it, I need to write it down, not just have the dream floating in my head. A dream is something you wish for and think about. A goal is something you write down and have an action plan to achieve. My bakery used to be a dream. Now it is a goal. That weekend in Orlando was full of soul searching and reconnecting, not only with Marc, but with myself. It's amazing what you can relearn about yourself if you simply take the time to be quiet and listen. It had been so long since I asked myself, "What do I WANT to do today" not "What do I NEED to get done today." I was nice to have a date with myself. I had missed me.